Colours of Autism

by Joey Lawsin

ISBN: 978-1-4357-7074-4

I hate you when you call me names
I hate you when you look at me - blank face
I hate you when you mock me
I hate you when you treat me as if I am not human.

Do you know that I can memorize
all the names of my family and relatives
all their birthdays and phone numbers
all the players and teams of any sports
all newspapers and schedules in the subways
And I know you don’t

Do you know that I can easily define patterns
in all the things that I see, I touch,
I hear I smell, I taste and I dream
And I know you don’t

Do you know that I have a lot of great things in my mind
I can solve intricate mathematical equations
I can create worlds that you have not thought before
I can paint life like the magical innocent smile of a child
And I know you don’t

I want to talk to you,
but I was not given a chance
I want to tell you about the sky
but I startle when I talk
I want to tell you about duality
but I have trouble relating my mind
I want to play hide and seek
but I could not look into your eyes
I might flap my hand or walk on tiptoe
because these are my ways of telling you
Can we be normal and be friends?

But you set norms and rules
because you are many and we are not
Label us as a disorder or a disease
because we behave differently and you are not
Diagnose us by behaviors and observations
because you think you are smart and we are not
But I’m sorry to disagree, your theory is your opinion - not ours!

But when I hate you
It does not mean that I do not love you
It does not mean that I do not care about you
It does not mean that we can not be together
But simply because
You do not understand me.

This poetry was published in New Jersey's The Oakland Journal.

The Intervention of Information:

An online friend of mine once said and I quote " I raise my son believing there was nothing wrong with him: it is just the rest of the world." Those moving words came from a loving mother that touched my heart. I have read lots of articles about families with autistic kids. Most of these families are either frustrated and sometimes depressed, angered, or stressed. But, can you blame these people? Words like "My son is different or My daughter is special" are the trigger mechanisms that bring their emotions down. People try to bring us to the world they want us to be and not the way we want our world to be. Thus, this construct builds conflict and frustration. And the more ignorant people enter into the picture, the flames get bigger. It is the society that is the problem NOT us.

The mere fact that the word “autistic” is used as a tag, a label to our unusual personalities and intelligence, just shows that we are identified point-blank and segregated from what others call the normal, the educated, or maybe the misinformed. We are ostracized and branded right away as abnormal because of our looks, and our behavior even without looking deeper into who we really are. The sad part, we are always exploited as "guinea pigs" by the so-called “experts” to feed their personal grandiosity, their selfishness, and their hidden agenda. Scientists and pharmaceutical companies alike, who take advantage of us, think Autism is a disease. Whatever reasons they have in their mind, please leave us alone because I assure you We Are More Than Normal.

Those of you who can not function at a higher level of maturity or intelligence may try to stretch your imagination a little wider. Let us say, you stumbled into the world of autism and you the so-called "normal" entered this land. What do you think will become the norm now? Do you think they will label you abnormal because you behave differently from the rest of their group? Do you think they will tease you due to your odd behavior which could be assumed as an infection from an unknown disease? What if a normal dog joins the group, do you think the dog will be labeled as abnormal too because he behaves differently from the rest of the group? And because the dog walks with his four feet and says words like wooing, barking, and growling, do you think the dog is also infected with the same kind of disease that you have? Just asking!

And speaking of dogs, how come you people spend too much time with them and not with us the “normal ones”? You diligently teach your dog new tricks every day. You teach them how to sit, how to roll, how to jump. You spend hours of your time with them religiously. But how come you don't have the patience to teach us? Or maybe you just neglect us because we are slow and stubborn. Sometimes you even lock us up in our room. Sometimes, the worst part, you send us to the laboratory or daycare center because you can not bear us anymore. How come you give your dog more attention and we receive less care? How come when your dog does not follow your command you do not get mad? How come when you teach me to smile and I do not get it the first time, you scold me, shout at me, and even hit my head. How come you buy them good food, nice clothes, and expensive toys and I just have my old ones? I think if you compare us with your dog or pet, we are more "normal" than them. Do we, right? And how come you give them too much love and we get too much hate? Remember … I am your son! I am your daughter! I am your blood. I am a human being too. Orrrr, Do I need to be a dog for you to take good care of me?

I know it is the society that controls our lives. We are pressured because they set norms - standards that we need to follow. But it does not mean that we should be slaves to satisfy their whims. You have intelligence just like me. You know what is right and what is wrong. And it does not mean that because it is right, you should be right too. When you walk your well-trained dog in public and meet other people, you stand tall, give them a sweet smile, and are proud enough to show your tricks. However, when you walk along with your special kid in public, you try to cover your face, give everyone a sour look, and if possible put him inside your pocket so nobody will see him. Why, are you ashamed that you have someone with you who is not like them? When your dog jumps on someone's coffee or barks in public, you simply say sorry to those who surround you, hug the dog, and keep on going as if nothing happened. But when your special daughter accidentally spills a soda or erratically shouts out loud in public, you scold her, drag her out of the scene, and even humiliate her in front of the people. Why? Are you pressured by what people think about us? Or is it because you are pressured by how people react when they see you?

We just like to enjoy life just like the way you like to enjoy life. We simply do them in unusual and uncommon ways. It is just like the story of a special friend of mine who left a mixture of twelve wild geese and ducks in their white-carpeted living room. He has a large box of popcorn and having fun throwing them everywhere in the room. The ducks on the couch, the coffee table, and one even somehow landed on top of the television were all enjoying the treats. We call this happiness. It might look disastrous, but you just need to understand us just like the way you took care of us when we were babies and still maintain such understanding as we grow up. If you just let us flow within the context of a family system, not the system society wants to be, then both of us will have peace of mind. Life is filled with happiness; you and I just need to work together to enjoy it.

To all mothers, especially those who have special kids - on behalf of them, let me say “Happy Mothers’ Day to all of you”. Hugs, Kisses, and Love.